For most of my adult life, I have felt that my story was my enemy. My story was heavy like chains that shackled me to shame, denial, and fear. If I could just hide from or outrun my story, then I could live the life that I had longed to live.
So I kept striving, running harder, faster, further. I thought I was working towards rewriting my story, but the truth is, I was running from it.
Until I hit my 40’s…cue mid-life crisis. I picture a filing cabinet. That may sound weird but stay with me here.
The folders of my story have nice neat labels all in a row with organized
There is no space in my cabinet for shame, regret, denial, betrayal, grief, trauma, and the biggest file of all…fear. The files with all of those titles go into a junk drawer.
You know what I’m talking about. Everyone has one. The drawer with everything that doesn’t have a place in your life but every once in a while you open it looking for a 9-volt battery for the smoke detector that beeps at 3 a.m.!
What are the titles of the files in your junk drawer?
You might not be able to file them neatly in your cedar-lined drawer. Your mind says they don’t belong there. They whisper to you in the night…” You are a failure, you are disqualified, you are not enough.” I know this because they whisper to me too.
For me, my mid-life crisis has been all about those files in my junk drawer ending up on my desktop where I couldn’t avoid them anymore. I had been pleasing people, climbing ladders, shutting down feelings & running farther & faster from my past for fear that if I felt anything at all I would break.
I realize now that I need to keep running, toward my story, not away from it.
A biblical example of this is in Genesis 16. Abram & Sarai couldn’t have a child. Sarai thought it would be a good idea for Abram to sleep with their maidservant Hagar. Hagar conceived & she started to despise Sarai.
When Abram heard about the feud, he told Sarai to do with Hagar what she wished. Sarai mistreated Hagar & then Hagar fled. An angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert & said, “Where have you come from & where are you going?”
She said she was running away from her mistress. The angel told her to go back to her mistress & submit to her. The angel promised her that her descendants would be too numerous to count.
Let’s define a mistress & ask that question again. A mistress is anything or anyone that is in a position of power or authority over us. Is the mistress in your life the story that hides in your junk drawer?
Where have you come from and where are you going?
I am learning that all of those file folders in my junk drawer, filled with the stories that I have been running from are actually my biggest weapons.
As I have started learning to see my story from God’s perspective, He became the hero of my story, giving me the victory and freedom I needed to be able to grab the folders I once hid & share my stories with others.
The things I thought disqualified me became the very encouragement others needed to hear.
I’m still figuring out where I have come from & where I am going but I know that I can always go to my junk drawer & pull out a switchblade or brass knuckles when I need them.
A few weeks ago, I met Natalie. She is a soldier. She was telling me about being in battle and looking for her weapon that she thought she had lost. She was frantically searching all around her.
In a moment of clarity, she realized her weapon had been strapped to her all along.
Natalie, thank you for sharing your story with me! Your moment of clarity became my moment of clarity. I pray that as others read this they will see that …
Your story does not disqualify you.
Your story is beautiful, scars and all.
Your story is your WEAPON.
Denisha
I can relate is so many ways….my Grammy always taught me to put on the armor of God and remember that when memories from the past surface and with the memories come emotions that are overwhelming..to put in His armor and remember that I am His child
Grateful that you are sharing …I pray that others will share too…breaks the one weapon that satan clings to…silence…reading or hearing that I am not the only one shows that we do have weapons and we are all part of an amazing army of survivors
Blessings
Jen, your Grammy is a very smart lady! You are His child, what a beautiful place to be to know that He walks with you every day, even when life can be scary. Jen, you are a Reclaimer for sure! One who doesn’t stay in silence, one who walks with others who have been in similar situations. Keep using your weapon my friend, it is a powerful one!
What a beautifully bold revelation you’ve had…that your story is actually your greatest weapon. That is definitely a difficult thing to remember. Thank you for working through your story and sharing. I am definitely inspired!
Tiffany, I am glad it inspired you. I have heard it say that mountains are placed in front of us to show others that they can be moved. Let’s move those mountains and live to tell about it!
Deal!