Growing up in a fractured family, I doubt I understood genuine love. This yearning led me astray as I sought “love” in all the wrong places.

By age 16, I found myself pregnant with my first child.

Faced with the ultimatum to either terminate my pregnancy or go live somewhere else, I chose to embrace motherhood. I was convinced that the love I longed for would be fulfilled and that I would finally have a piece of myself to reciprocate my love, as my baby would soon call me “Mom”. Two and a half years later, I became pregnant again. But, this time, I had no idea what to do. I felt lost, frightened, and confused.

With college looming and having a little girl to care for while involved in an unstable relationship, it seemed that my only option was to terminate my pregnancy.

Almost immediately, I found myself emotionally numb from the decision I had made. Every day, I had to pull myself out of bed to care for my young daughter. I struggled with trusting people in my relationships. And because I never had the opportunity to grieve, I lived with shame, guilt, and remorse every day of my life. 

However, in the depths of my despair, I encountered a glimmer of hope that would forever change the course of my life. 

Even though I grew up knowing about God, my past mistakes kept me distant from Him, preventing me from feeling His tender love and compassion. Then, one day, a friend asked me if I knew Jesus and was ready to accept Him as my Lord and Savior. My moment of surrender came when I prayed to receive Jesus into my heart.

Through God’s goodness and grace, I experienced the unwavering love I had always longed for and the transformative power of His forgiveness. 

Six years later, God blessed me with a strong Christian husband. 

I was reluctant to tell my husband about my abortion, but when I finally did, he was very compassionate and understanding. Shortly after we were married, I became pregnant again, but this time, I was filled with joyful anticipation. However, our excitement turned to sorrow during our first prenatal visit when we received devastating news – our baby’s heartbeat couldn’t be found. We were met with the heartbreaking reality that our baby didn’t make it. 

Walking through this devastating miscarriage, the thought of my abortion resurfaced, leaving me burdened again by guilt.

The guilt was so heavy that I questioned if I was truly forgiven for my past. But my husband reminded me of God’s boundless love and forgiveness. As it says in Psalm 103:12-13,

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.”

Amidst the pain of our loss, I clung to the promise of Romans 8:28 – that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose.

Several years later, our prayers for more children were answered when we welcomed our only son into the world, followed by our youngest daughter. Their presence in my life is a beautiful testament to God’s faithfulness and the fulfillment of His promises. 

However, as the years of raising children, working, and living life passed by in the blink of an eye, a heaviness that I couldn’t shake still lingered in my heart. 

Fear of judgment and rejection had kept me from sharing my abortion “secret” with anyone in the faith community. It has been my experience that the words “abortion” and “church” are rarely uttered together. This is a hidden truth women don’t feel they can reveal, especially within the confines of the church.

Yet, I knew God was leading me to do something for Him with my story, so I began to seek Him in prayer, knowing He wouldn’t fail to show me. 

Then, unexpectedly, an email arrived from my local pregnancy center. It contained a link to a podcast where one of the center’s staff members bravely shared her own journey with abortion. After listening, I immediately looked up the name of the organization hosting the podcast and discovered it was Reclaimed Story. I eagerly joined one of their Reclaimed Life groups focusing on identity. Sensing God leading me to this study, especially as I sought His direction on serving Him, I felt compelled to attend. Winning the study book in a raffle only confirmed His guiding hand!

Initially, I hesitated to engage in the group fully, preferring to observe rather than share my own vulnerabilities. 

However, I openly expressed my conviction that God called me to serve women facing crisis pregnancies. Despite my reluctance to disclose personal details of my past, I remained committed to completing the study as I knew God was doing His work.

At one particular meeting, we shared words of encouragement with each other, and one of the group’s leaders said she had an encouraging word from the Lord for me. I already had a strong inkling of what she would say. Earlier that week, I heard a beautiful sermon about the sanctity of life. It touched not only on the value, goodness, and precious gift of life but also on the redemption and healing available to those who did not choose life.

I was one of those in need of redemption and healing.

The sermon’s words penetrated my heart so much that I cried through most of it. Then, at the very end, the speaker shared about a beautiful ministry that helps women heal from their past abortions. 

In that instant, God’s gentle whisper pierced my soul: “I want you to heal from your abortion, and then I want you to help others heal too.” 

My heart sank, and my initial reaction was sheer resistance. The thought of opening up about such a sensitive topic felt unbearable. For that entire week, tears seemed to flow endlessly. Yet, amidst the weeping, there was a sense of release, as if each tear carried a burden away. In those moments, I felt the presence of God more intimately than ever before. Once again, His gentle whisper reached me, reassuring me with His tender words:

 “I will be right by your side, as I’ve always been. My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.” Exodus 33:14. 

So, when the life group leader began to share her encouragement from the Lord for me, I couldn’t help but interrupt, admitting that I already knew what she would say. 

God’s calling became undeniably clear. He wanted me to come alongside women in need of healing, particularly those grappling with the aftermath of past abortions. 

It was daunting, yet I knew I needed to follow His leading. The group’s leader also said that she, too, had listened to the very same sermon that had touched my heart so deeply. Despite our limited acquaintance, it was evident that God was intricately weaving together the threads of our lives for His purposes.

Now that I’ve faced and begun the healing process for my abortion, my life has taken on a newfound sense of purpose and peace. 

First and foremost, my relationship with God has deepened significantly as He’s reclaiming my story. I’ve come to understand His infinite love, forgiveness, and grace in ways I hadn’t before. This spiritual growth has provided a strong foundation for my journey towards healing and serving others. 

In terms of practical steps, I went through the Surrendering the Secret: Healing the Heartbreak of Abortion study, which is dedicated to post-abortion healing. This healing journey has provided encouragement and a safe space to process my emotions and experiences. Additionally, I’ve actively served within my community, particularly in becoming a leader through the Surrendering the Secret ministry. 

Using my story and experiences to offer hope and guidance to others has been incredibly fulfilling.

I want you to know that you have a Heavenly Father who loves and adores you. 

Despite any feelings of shame, guilt, or unworthiness you might have, God offers unconditional acceptance and forgiveness. Healing from your past is possible. It will take time and effort, but it is absolutely worth it. 

Your past does not define you. 

Your story is still being written, so embrace God’s grace and be kind to yourself. It’s okay to experience various emotions. Allow yourself to heal at your own pace, and don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted individuals for help and support. Sharing your story and connecting with those who understand can be healing and empowering. And remember, you are worthy of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness.

~Myra

To find a Surrendering the Secret group in your area: https://surrenderingthesecret.com/find-help/ Also, Myra currently facilitates a Surrendering the Secret: Healing from the Heartbreak of Abortion study locally in Tucson, Arizona. Inquire at [email protected]