A year ago, in the middle of the school year, our family moved to a new state following a dark season of loneliness and disappointment. I prayed in desperation for God to help my kids recover. I prayed He would provide them with just one good friend. But friendships don’t just happen. They take time and effort.
Who are you with when you feel like the truest, best version of yourself? Who makes you feel loved, accepted, and free of burdens?
If no one comes to mind, here are some steps you can take to find your people.
Step 1: Be the person someone needs.
All those months alone on the playground taught my children this. Their eyes were trained to see those on the outskirts, those new to the school like them, and those without a friend. With empathy and compassion, my son and daughter came alongside others and found the sweet gift of friendship in return.
You can begin by extending to others what Jesus extends to you: grace, forgiveness, compassion, and love without condition. Come alongside someone as they heal from past pain and rejection. Include someone new, lonely, or insecure.
A few months after our move, I held back tears as I walked my kids home from school, surrounded by a group of their new friends, heading to our house to celebrate the first day of the holiday break.
My kids found their people, and in their people, they found healing.
Proverbs 4:9-12 says, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
God created community for us so that we would have help, comfort, and strength to traverse the hills and valleys of this life.
But it isn’t called “building community” for nothing. It takes patience and grit. Discerning who our people are takes time, and a lot of trial and error. Proverbs 12:26 tells us “the righteous choose their friends carefully”. This means we must be thoughtful and intentional in building our inner circle.
Step 2: Choose Your Inner Circle Wisely
Finding your people requires wisdom to discriminate between friendships worth keeping and friendships we need to let go. In every season of transition I’ve faced (and there have been many), this sorting of friendships has caused me the deepest grief. There is nothing simple or easy in releasing a once-trusted friend. It’s confusing and painful to recognize that a relationship that once filled your cup to overflowing now drains it dry.
But just as pruning of branches makes room for fresh, new growth, so the letting go of discouraging or untrustworthy people makes space for healthy, life-giving friendships.
For every loss, there is a precious gain. God has never left me lonely for long. Neither will He leave you. God is always for you, working for your good. Trust Him as He removes people from your life. The friendships He desires for you will reflect His love, forgiveness, and grace, and those friendships are worth the wait.
Step 3: Remember The Friend You Have In Jesus
My family has made three out-of-state moves in the last ten years, and I’ve watched helplessly as my circle of friends has been deconstructed, often down to the very foundation, and rebuilt, one relationship at a time. In those seasons of waiting for new friendships to establish and grow, I was reminded of the friend I have in Jesus. If you’re in a season of waiting, let me remind you too.
His faithful presence will keep us company on our loneliest days. He will bend His ear toward us as we pour out our hearts. He accepts us just as we are, with all our flaws and failures. Friendships will come and go, but God’s steadfast love never ceases (Lamentations 3:22).
In the light of His love we are the truest, best version of ourselves.
In Jesus we are loved, accepted, and free of burdens. Knowing the intimacy of a friendship with Jesus allows us to open our hearts to intimacy with others, even in the wake of loss and heartbreak.
Step 4: Trust God to Send You the People You Need
Wait and watch as God adds friendships to your life that will embolden you, build you up, and love you without condition. These are your people, and whether you have a dozen or just one, they are yours nonetheless, God’s gracious gift to you.
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