I have always sought the approval of others and often have not been able to love myself the way God loves me. My greatest struggle has been to feel worthy of love from men. After my father committed suicide, I became terrified to get too close or be vulnerable for fear that I may be abandoned, that I wouldn’t be “good enough” or I would be “too much to handle”.
When I tried to solve this belief in my own strength, I found myself traumatized and ashamed of my decisions. I used others and allowed my body to be used in and through toxic relationships. I consumed alcohol to numb the pain and fill the void of losing my dad. Most regrettably, in the midst of it all, I chose to have an abortion rather than giving life to my unborn baby.
I made these decisions because of my lack of worth and love for myself. I felt scared, empty, and often questioned my purpose in life. I wondered if any man would ever desire a relationship with me since I was so wounded. So very broken. Most of all though, I felt hopeless and alone.
My healing journey began when I realized that my dad’s choice to end his life had nothing to do with me. There wasn’t anything I could have done to change his mind and his decision was not my burden to carry.
I let go of what was, accepted what is, and decided to lay my whole life– the good, bad, and ugly–at the altar of Christ. I handed over my shame and clung to God. Without forgetting my earthly dad, I made the choice to embrace my heavenly, eternal Father and to love myself.
I realized my struggle was changing when I attended a healing school and ultimately became ordained as a minister of the gospel in September 2020. Through this process, I was healed and set free from what is referred to as an “orphan spirit”. The orphan spirit oppresses individuals who believe they have been abandoned.
It is a feeling of loss that is carried into relationships. Walls can be built up between these people and others, out of fear of being left or rejected. It is a struggle to be vulnerable and people who wrestle with this may never really feel “at home” with themselves or others.
I am thankful that I was able to be set free from that struggle while also getting to the core of my abandonment issues. Through God’s love, He plucked out the root of shame and worthlessness that had been a part of my story for over 27 years.
My life is full of possibilities to share what God has done within my heart and throughout my life. I now understand more clearly what my purpose is and I have a vision for my future. I exude more confidence, I walk alongside others who have known loss, and I sit in God’s presence and listen like I was never able to do before. I let Him really love me and I don’t run away.
Friend, you are Christ’s beloved. Let your Father love you through the grief, loss, and mistakes–even when you can’t love yourself. You are worthy of ALL things good and you are NOT alone. There is healing, redemption, and you can absolutely reclaim your story. As a passionate counselor, writer, and aspiring speaker I strongly believe that NO part of our past is ever wasted, if placed in His hands.
I recently wrote my personal memoir titled Redemption Calling which will be released in early summer and will have a website soon. For now, I do videos on Facebook and have scattered posts on a personal blog: @redemptioncalling.com. The details of my future ministry are being revealed to me and I’m moving towards my goals to launch…in God’s perfect timing. ~Bryn