I had been happy and content as a stay-at-home mom for 10 years. But after turning 30, I began to struggle with my identity.
I started searching for validation, empowerment and purpose from outside voices and opinions.
I joined a fitness group and found exactly what I was looking for through my experience of losing weight, getting toned, and becoming a personal trainer. But, all the while I was being deceived by the whispers of Satan in my ear. I trusted the wrong people.
My personal trainer/life coach took advantage of my doubts and insecurities, using them to manipulate me into asking myself, “Did God REALLY say…?” just as Adam and Eve had done in the garden. He spoke many of the words that are in the Bible, yet he was able to twist them in a way that made morally unhealthy choices feel safe.
It was enticing and it didn’t take long for sin to creep in.
At first, it felt exhilarating. Even though I knew what God’s word says, I began to rationalize and excuse my actions by listening to the world’s standards. A small compromise opened the door to even more moral compromises. It became easier to lie to myself and excuse it with another lie and another lie until I was ensnared in the enemy’s trap. I would even joke about how I was a “member of a cult with good intentions”.
I had no idea I was being groomed with psychological manipulation tactics. Later, I found out that this was happening to multiple women. I got wrapped up in cultic ceremonies, psychedelic substances, and keeping secrets about emotional and physical abuse. I also fell into the trap of having an affair.
Sin often comes disguised as love and everything you’ve ever wished for or wanted.
But often we don’t realize sin is a kiss of spiritual death and destruction. I wasn’t aware until it had started to unravel my life with unimaginable losses. After a time I found myself feeling stuck, alone, scared, and further from God’s presence than I imagined I could be. The confusion I felt was paralyzing. The loneliness and shame were more than I ever knew existed.
The day the veil was lifted was a pivotal moment in my life that I will never forget.
Although I had been persuaded to isolate myself from all of my friends and family who really cared about me, little did I know they were all on their knees in prayer fighting the battle that I was too weak to fight on my own. I was so blinded by the spiritual darkness that, until that day, I did not know I needed to call for help.
Something was different when I woke up that morning. I had been separated from my abuser for a few days and the bond formed from manipulation began to crumble.
The tug on my heart from Jesus was so profound I could not ignore it any longer.
I pulled into a church parking lot and completely fell apart. I cried out to God, “Jehovah Ezer!” (My Help) and immediately God came to my rescue. I still had a long way to go, but at that moment miracles were unfolding around every corner and Heaven was rejoicing in victory.
Healing began with my complete, vulnerable honesty with my husband. He responded with abundant mercy, forgiveness, and humility. The Holy Spirit led us as we walked together through the pain of the consequences of my actions. I immediately connected with a Biblical counselor and we began marriage counseling as well.
Through Reclaimed Story I got plugged into a community full of the most amazing women of Christ.
I began to learn more about spiritual warfare, trauma, and psychological coping mechanisms. I attended the Spiritual Timeline workshop to learn more about why I made the choices I did. I also went through a Biblical life coaching program to learn “what’s next” on my journey to peace and to find the freedom to fully embrace the identity God has given me in order to fulfill His purpose for my life.
God reclaimed my story and restored our marriage to a fullness and intimacy we have never experienced before.
I walk with God every day to continue my healing and understanding of my experiences. I made a commitment to live in nothing less than complete truth which has led to an incredible amount of healing. My spiritual gifts have been awakened and I am studying and learning how to best steward them for Christ. I have found the courage to dream again and to pursue the calling God has placed on my heart.
My passion has been ignited to help others who are going through the nightmare of spiritual warfare and to be a warrior for Christ in these times of trouble.
I have so much compassion and empathy now for those who are hurting, whether by their choices or choices that were made for them. I want you to know that if you are fighting lies about identity, insecurity, shame and manipulation, there is hope. You are never too far gone. I pray God will reveal the truth about who He created you to be!